The outside world is not the place it once was: it is crawling with psychopaths, serial killers, rapists, and psychopath serial rapists. But even so, some women still have the audacity to walk around on the streets wearing but a short skirt or dress, putting their bare elbows, knees, and perhaps even shoulders on full display, where anyone, but especially those of the opposite sex, can see. This behavior is not only downright obscene, but also gravely dangerous. Thus, as a female myself, I offer this humble proposal purely in the interest of safety for my fellow woman. In order to ensure our security in this treacherous and uncertain world, women ought to stop venturing out into public and instead stay safely in their homes at all times, where they can effectively stop tempting men with their feminine wiles. After all, everything they need to live a blissful and fulfilling life is right at home: a family, a kitchen, and a box set of 23 seasons of The Bachelor.
It is a universal truth that no matter the age, boys will be boys. Attempting to change this law of nature would be as futile as trying to explain to a woman the current state of global geopolitics. Since we cannot change this fact, we must instead adapt to it by keeping women at home, where they cannot possibly provoke a man into unleashing his uncontrollable primal instincts at the sight of a bare ankle. In addition, a woman who is kept indoors has limited interactions with men, and thus becomes less likely to deceive a man by feigning interest in him. This will save thousands of nice guys across the nation from the trauma of being “led on”– the second most horrifying male experience after the friendzone. Moreover, this solution will prevent women from asking for it; as in, asking to be raped, because that is exactly what they had in mind when they chose to put on a miniskirt in the morning. After all, if, for some reason, you did not want to get drugged and beaten into unconsciousness behind a dumpster, perhaps you should have thought twice about that hemline. Never mind that women wearing sweats on morning jogs get raped, as well– they were probably asking for it, too, with their sexy Asics and Puma socks. And with minor additions to homes such as boarded up or blacked out windows, this solution will bring about the end to catcalling as we know it, since women will remain hidden from the public view entirely. Unfortunately, there is no easy fix to the fact that women cannot take a compliment; it is hardwired into the female mind that all men are lecherous scum and so we must work around this outdated thinking instead (the year is 2019: not all men disrespect women!) Finally, such a proposal will rescue women from themselves. Oftentimes, due to their hormone-clouded minds, women cannot make rational decisions and stumble their way into less-than-ideal situations, like being brutalized in a dark alleyway by a Tinder date or tied up in the back of a cult leader’s van. No longer will men have to wonder, “Well, why didn’t she fight back?” or explain to their female peers, “Here’s what I would have done”, while proceeding to recount their extensive self-defense knowledge gleaned from numerous close-watchings of Fight Club. Indeed, safely tucking women away into the privacy of their own homes will undeniably inhibit them from inevitable self-jeopardization.
If it was not abundantly clear in the previous points of contention, I am in no way condoning rape or abuse toward women. Rather, I am simply advocating for ways in which women can take it upon themselves to avoid such unpleasantries. In fact, a woman ought to be treated with dignity, but only because she is someone’s sister, or mother, or daughter, or other random relative. The point is, she is somebody’s something. As such, you must make sure to keep your women safe– because if you don’t, they might just turn around and ruin your life by saying you raped them instead.
Lit Mag Short Fiction