A New Modest Proposal — John Tondora

Hang on for a minute...we're trying to find some more stories you might like.


Email This Story






Prewriting:

  • An address to the baby boomers
  • I have 3 houses, what am I supposed to do? Stop working?
  • I’m only 7 years away from my extra 18 million dollar severance. You can have the job then
  • Social security is such a mess for you all. Good thing you get to go to college and have a good job
  • Maybe if you bought less of those avocados you would have the money to save
  • Those pesky Iphones

 

Dialogue:

B=Boomers Y= younger generation

 

B: There’s our boy! Graduating from Stern at NYU in only three years? Fantastic.

Y: Thanks Boomer parent!

B: You know, when I was a kid in the 70s, it was not like this.

Y: Oh, I know. 

B: You kids have it so much easier now. With your Iphones and whatnot, you can get information so quick! Back in my day we had to wait for the paper! Say, whatever happened to that Johnson & Johnson interview?

Y: Oh, I didn’t get it. Their employee decided not to retire after all. He realized he had a severance package coming up and he didn’t want to lose it. They said maybe in a few years I can try again. I guess I gotta keep that job as a barista at Starbucks. Just me, my degree and some coffee. 

B: Wow. 

Y:  Yeah I kno-

B: Now that’s the America I know and love. That guy probably has a true work ethic. Not like those millennials these days that complain about not having enough money for healthcare, yet here they are buying avocados and Iphones.

Y: Yeah I know right? It really is dumb how the spend so much money on vegetables and the piece of technology that you just said is a great life improvement.

B: I know! Stupid millennials, no money management skills.

Y: Maybe that’s because they never had those classes in school to teach them those life skills, but oh, don’t worry, I can tell you about the third agricultural revolution instead, because that seems like a piece of knowledge you need to have for life. What even are taxes by the way?

B: Well, the point is, I’m not retiring for a while because I’m a true American. Well, also your mom and I just bought a third house in up and coming Brooklyn. It’s not gonna pay for itself!

Y: Or maybe you could just not pay for it at all and leave some space in gentrifying neighborhoods for people who are starting new families and need safe, yet affordable places to live.

B: I don’t know about all that. Say, did you see that polar vortex? Where is your global warming now? *Laughs in Rich Boomer who’s destroyed an economy*

Y: Well, it is not necessarily “global warming” but rather climate change. Hence the droughts in California, in addition to the cold storms up here. I’ve tried to explain this to you before.

B: Woah! You seem a little riled there son, need a safe space?

Y: You know what Boomer? I do! I need a safe space from a destroyed economy due to Boomers like you heaping entitlements onto yourselves. I need a safe space from the billions of Boomers who will not retire from their high paying jobs. And I need a safe space from the crushing amounts of garbage in the rivers, lakes, streams, and oceans of the world.

B: Wow. Calm down there, kiddo. As you like to say, “chill out.” By the way, my Iphone, the new one, won’t turn, why won’t the screen flip when I flip? Can you help me with that?

 

 

 

 

Final:

Dialogue:

B=Boomers Y= younger generation

 

B: There’s our boy! Graduating from NYU Stern Business School in only three years? Fantastic.

Y: Thanks Boomer parent! I truly appreciate the loads of help and understanding you’ve given me in the college application process. You truly comprehend what is happening with the younger generation.

B: Ha! I know! You know, when I was a kid in the 70s, it was not like this.

Y: Trust me, Boomer, I know.

B: You kids have it so much easier now. With your Iphones and whatnot, you can get information so quick! Back in my day we had to wait for the paper! Say, whatever happened to that Johnson & Johnson job offer?

Y: Oh, I didn’t get it. Their employee decided not to retire after all. He realized he had a severance package coming up and he didn’t want to lose it. They said maybe in a few years I can try again. I guess I gotta keep that job as a barista at Starbucks. Just me, my degree and some coffee. Don’t worry though, I’ll be finished paying off my debt in less than 20 years!

B: Wow. 

Y:  Yeah I know that job was really important to me and—

B: Now that’s the America I know and love. That guy probably has a true work ethic. Not like those millennials these days that complain about not having enough money for healthcare, yet here they are buying avocados and Iphones.

Y: Yeah I know right? It really is dumb how the spend so much money on vegetables and the piece of technology that you just said is a great life improvement. How selfish of them.

B: I know! Stupid millennials, no money management skills.

Y: Maybe that’s because they never had those classes in school to teach them those life skills, but oh, don’t worry, I can tell you about the third agricultural revolution instead, because that seems like a piece of knowledge you need to have for life. What even are taxes by the way?

B: Well, the point is, I’m not retiring for a while because I’m a true American. Well, also your mom and I just bought a third house in up and coming Brooklyn. It’s not gonna pay for itself!

Y: Or maybe you could just not pay for it at all and leave some space in gentrifying neighborhoods for people who are starting new families and need safe, yet affordable places to live.

B: I don’t know about all that. Say, did you see that polar vortex? Where is your global warming now? *Laughs in Rich Boomer who’s destroyed an economy*

Y: Well, it is not necessarily “global warming” but rather climate change. Hence the droughts in California, in addition to the cold storms up here. I’ve tried to explain this to you before. People like you who neglect this issue continue to make it worse for future generations!

B: Woah! You seem a little riled there son, need a safe space?

Y: You know what Boomer parent? I do! I need a safe space from a destroyed economy due to Boomers like you heaping entitlements onto yourselves. I need a safe space from the billions of Boomers who will not retire from their high paying jobs. And I need a safe space from the crushing amounts of garbage in the rivers, lakes, streams, and oceans of the world.

B: Hey! Calm down there, kiddo. As you like to say, “chill out.” By the way, my Iphone, the new one, won’t turn, why won’t the screen flip when I flip? Can you help me with that?

Print Friendly, PDF & Email