Satirical Article — Ashwath Subramanian

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SCIENCE

 

President Reveals Earth is Flat, Upending Scientific World Forever

 

2/4/19, 2:42 am

 

President Trump says “Got ‘em!” to a reporter who looked at his finger circle today, causing the reporter to start crying with shame.

 

WASHINGTON – President Donald J. Trump called for a press conference Monday afternoon inside the White House “Science Room.” Reporters were crammed into a space the size of a walk-in closet, which contained a telescope, two test tubes, and a large wall portrait of Trump shaking hands with a hand-drawn (and colored!) Isaac Newton. The President, a widely recognized scientific authority, proceeded to stun the world by revealing that a long-held scientific conjecture was, in fact, false. “I think we’ve all had enough of this round Earth theory; it’s quite frankly unintelligent. My far more smarter personal Science Department has determined, after careful research, that the Earth is in fact a flat surface,” the President stated, amid gasps from the press. “It’s so flat, you can play Frisbee with it. Yep. Mm-hm.” Using some of his clearest and most poetic rhetoric to date, President Trump stated that “the stupid fake news media is an ignorant mess. These are the same guys that predicted that people would hate me. Wrong! They are so messy. Very messy. Disgusting. Really bad. Fake news. Fake. Hillary’s emails. Messy. Sad!” 

Associated Press reporters have managed to contact President Trump’s personal Science Department, which consists of Sen. James Inhofe (R-Oklahoma), and Tim from BrainPOP™. Inhofe, another internationally accredited scientist, backs up President Trump’s discovery. “I mean, the Bible says it, so it has to be legit,” Inhofe said, shrugging. Inhofe’s credentials consist of a participation certificate for his third-grade science fair, which now hangs framed on his office wall. Inhofe has a history of making revolutionary, field-altering discoveries. In 2015, Inhofe singlehandedly debunked the entire misguided theory of “climate change” by bringing an entire snowball onto the Senate floor, stunning millions of scientists around the world. Said astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson of the incident, “it shocked me. I was completely bamboozled. Everything that I’ve worked for, everything I’ve studied… he proved me wrong in an instant.”

To see how the public reacted to the President’s new discovery, we interviewed some voters at random across the different regions of the country. Ima Hick, of Mobile, Alabama, said, “Trump, Inhofe, and the Bah-ble all say so?! If this ain’t true, I’ll marry my cow!” Another individual was brought to tears by the revelation and said he “wanted to go to the edge and jump off.” No word yet on how President Trump plans to replace the hundreds of millions of “fake news idiot scientists” around the globe circle that disagree with his groundbreaking theory.

 

READ: Bill Nye quits science and applies to local Burger King position following mass riots outside his Los Angeles home

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