A Modest Proposal For Marginally Increasing Your Social Media Following — Christopher Brinkley

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I think that it can be agreed upon that those matters which are of life and death are to be taken most seriously, such as whether or not your peers are aware of what you had for lunch, or if they know how astonishing you look when you wake up in the morning with absolutely zero makeup on whatsoever. After all, humans are, by nature, very social creatures so of course we must know what each other are up to during every second of every day. Naturally, the more people who can observe what you are up to in your every waking moment, the better. So, I propose a way to amplify those numbers in one stupendously simple step: Grant the government access to your account. This kills two birds with one stone, since the government is so busy probably building a wall on the southern border that this would alleviate a tremendous amount of work on their behalf, and, of course, would give even more people the rare opportunity to gaze upon your captivating life. You could lay your precious little head down at night with your mind at peace, knowing that somewhere off in the distant land of Fort Meade, Maryland a NSA agent or three are giving your posts a once over. If you felt so inclined as to go the extra mile, you could fill your posts with some popular hashtags like “#i<3alqaeda”. Doing this would ensure you at least a couple dozen friendly NSA agents viewing them, and maybe you might even receive a complementary visit from the FBI. If you are physically able, make sure to document your all expenses paid trip to Guantanamo Bay so that all of the people who care deeply about your frequent life updates are aware that you are alive and well, and definitely not being waterboarded, just because you missed your bi-minutely briefing.

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